A Tarnished Life Too Late to Polish

Welcome to my life.  Okay, let’s be honest, welcome to the small part of my life that I am going to share with you on this blog.  Just like most people who put up anonymous blogs in the Internet, I am not going to completely open my life up to and lay bare my soul for everyone to pick apart, just carefully selected pieces of it.

Usually the norm for a new blog is for the author to go into some kind of detail explaining themselves and their lives to you.  I am not going to do that, at least not right now.  I am sure that at some point I will feel the need to disclose that information, but not tonight.  For tonight, I am only prepared to offer the barest of introductions.

From the title of the blog, and this post, I am sure you can come up with the general reason for my writing.  I am an absolute mess.  I have managed to screw up my entire life, in more ways than I care to admit.  I am divorced, twice over.  It took two miserably failed attempts, but I have finally learned that I am not the marrying kind.  I am simply not meant to be a wife.  I have no children.  That is something I do truly regret, as I always wanted children.  However, looking back over the wreck I have made of things, that is probably for the best.  It is one thing to truly ruin your own life, something else entirely to ruin someone else’s.

About the only thing I haven’t managed to irreversibly damage thus far is my career.  For once, I actually got something right with this one.  I love my job.  No, really, I do.  I can not imagine doing anything else.  I don’t want to do anything else.  And, I am damn good at what I do.  Or, I usually am.  That is, I am when the rest of my life does not interfere with my career and my ability to do what I love.

Now, having said that, I should admit that while I love what I do, I do not particularly care for where I do it.  Yes, I have found a career I love, but managed to land at one of the most miserable places of employment.  For the most part, my coworkers are great.  The “management” just leaves much to be desired.  You know that saying, “the beatings will continue until morale improves”?  Yeah, welcome to my world.  Apparently, my “management team” (as I will call them for lack of a better term that won’t give away too much) as embraced this philosophy.  We are punished for doing our jobs.  Whether we do a good job, or a bad one, there is always a punishment to follow.  More beatings please, sir!

Oh, another thing I should probably mention… I tend to sabotage myself.  If things are going too well, looking too bright, I will find a way to screw it up.  I just can’t seem to help myself.

Romance?  A boyfriend?  A relationship?  Please.  Who has the time for such complicated and messy involvements.  I am too busy bringing about destruction and chaos in all aspects of my life to even get that right.  I have a part-time lover, who lives a respectable distance away.  When the need arises, on either end, we make the appropriate arrangements, make a quick visit to a location between our respective cities, and that is that.  We are not friends.  We are not really even acquaintances.  We are merely part-time lovers.  We know each other’s names and sexual proclivities, and that is about it.  Why bother with anything else?  Like I said, who has the time when we are both busy destroying other aspects of our lives.

Besides, as you will learn eventually, I am a woman of contradictions, confusions, illogical rules, and flexible morals.  The rules by which I live my life makes sense to no one.  Not even to me.  But, then again, they don’t have to.  I do not put much time into understanding it myself.  You shouldn’t either.  It will only leave you frustrated, confused, and an aching head.

Contradiction #1:  Lovers can not be friends.  If I am going to take a lover, someone with which to establish a sexual relationship, but no real emotional relationship, they must not be a friend.  Once they reach friend status, the sexual relationship must end.  Seems counterproductive, I know, but that is the way it is.  Also, it is best if the lover does not also live in my city.  Less mess that way.

A good friend once told me that all women are crazy.  My first inclination was to argue the point.  Me, being a woman, him being a man, I naturally took offense.  However, he does have a point.  Women are confusing.  We make sense to no one but ourselves.  So, I can see where that might come across as crazy to men.  After all, we are illogical, or at the very least, I know I am.

I recognize that my life is a mess.  However, at this point and time in my life, I am also not in any big hurry to clean up the mess.  I like my mess.  I know where everything fits in my mess.  There is organization in my chaos, method to my madness.  So, for now, I will wallow in my tarnished life, I will bask in the glorious mess I have made.  And, when the time is right, I will pull out the polish and hope and pray it is not too late to clean it up or repair the damage I have caused.